Happy New Year, in June

Schedules. We all have them. They provide structure to our day and our lives. For some, having a regular schedule is second nature. Get up at roughly the same time. Go to sleep at roughly the same time and the time in between is usually filled with eating, dealing with our bodies (shower, get dressed, etc.), maintaining our homes and, if we're lucky, we have a job to do.

Turns out that the skill of organization has to do with our Executive Ability. This is part of our Learning Development. It is also one of the areas of the brain that can be adversely affected by ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder. Our brains - our neurology - are different from the norm of the bell curve. To try and "fit in" we learn to wear a mask of what we THINK others will perceive as "normal" - acceptable. To be different, in any meaningful way equates being outcast. Or it used to anyway.

In the old energy of the Earth, being perceived as "normal" was important to our survival. To be "normal" and accepted by the group with which you lived meant the difference between life and death. But NOW we have evolved beyond the basic survival needs which have been inborn for so very long - so many generations - thousands of years of survival DNA ...

The ASD brain doesn't work this way. Oh, we can see and learn from how others behave and mimic that behavior (females tend to be super good at this) but it is not innate for us. Are we broken or are we evolving beyond such needs?

For decades we have worked to "normalize" Autistic people because that is what makes the majority most comfortable. Great for the majority but sucked for the Autistics. What has shifted? A call for Acceptance. Not just for Autistics but for all living beings.

Autistics tend to be Highly Sensitive People. Translation: we feel, hear, see, everything MORE. Our volume dials go above 10 and quite often sit at 20+ on the regular. Life in the "normal" world is, in a word, EXHAUSTING. The noise, the quick change of environments (home to car to store to car to ... ), add to that feeling everyone else's energy without even knowing that is what you are feeling ... ugh ... it gets overwhelming and complicated super fast. (Note: now "knowing" I am Empathic and "feel" the energy of others helps explain what I am feeling and why. It helps knowing it is not me. Now I am adept at "shielding" myself and keeping most of the unpleasant energies away.)

What is not complicated any longer at this young age of 47 is that my ability to "mask" and somehow "fit in" is caput, done, finished. It has come to the point where I literally have two choices. Be myself in every way shape and form or die. It is that black and white to me these days. Getting to know ME - the real me - not the misdiagnosed with bi-polar me, or the chronic pain me, or the depressed and anxious me. Nope. The whole Me. For better or worse. For good and for bad. Whatever was in darkness had to be pulled into the light. It was ugly. It was scary. Yet, it was inevitable if I was to truly face my Fears.

It gave new meaning to that scene in the NeverEnding Story where Atreyu must face himself in the mirror and see his "true" self. Some go mad but Atreyu only sees himself and then, upon a closer look, sees a boy, reading a book. Curiosity. Lesson learned? Be like Atreyu. Facing our True Selves in the mirror might be impossible for many. For me it became mandatory not only to See my Self but to, get this, fully, Unconditionally, Love and Accept whatever it is that I saw. Ugh. A long and winding road ...

Labels can help to define that Self we see in the mirror. I've worn many labels. Some placed by others, some by me. The diagnosis of first one daughter and then the other as being on the Autism Spectrum, redefined my entire history. All those misdiagnosis. All those years spent broken and unworthy of repair. It was years of therapy and personal introspection, both of which continue to this day.

Guess what is the hardest thing in the world to reprogram? Our Worth. Understanding that we are Worthy of all good things. The idea that we were all "born in sin" is utter and complete hog wash. Seriously. All those things that were "wrong" with me and were "unacceptable" by the measurement of the "norm" by others, as interpreted by our brains - is all crap. Dump it in the fire and start over. Make peace with your faults. How? By not seeing them as faults is always a good place to start. Easy-peasy. Right?

So here I sit. 100% imperfect. Just the way God intended. What does God do best? Love us Unconditionally. So that's our job in our new Now. Love Our Selves and then each other, Unconditionally. Can you do it? It's not impossible. But it is an amazing feeling once you achieve it. At first it only lasts for a flash. Then a second. And then several seconds, several times a day. It is a learned skill. "Patience Grasshopper" is a common mantra in our house.

The biggest lie we ever told ourselves was that we are not worthy of Love. We are. You are. I am. We ALL are. When you realize that you can't help but walk the talk. It becomes a way of life. No judgment. Only acknowledgment of hardships and prayers of love. Nothing is a mistake if we learn from it and are better for the learning. To be our very best. To BE happy from the inside out. That may be the greatest challenge we face in the 21st Century. Are you up for it?
#Love #Peace #Truth #Unity #Freedom #CompassionateAction #ActuallyAutistic #SensoryLife

New Year's Eve 2017

Originally written on August 3, 2017 at 1:55 AM

Tonight I must write and write - write all that is inside me waiting to come out.

I dream,
To see the world - to know its flavors and smells.

To dine al fresco in Italy or take a tour of the fountains in Rome.
Go down under to New Zealand and Australia.

Find a tiny island to disappear to for at least a month or two.

Climb a mountain or two and fish from a boat.

So much to do. So much to see. So much to learn and explore.

My mind is rarely quiet.

To finally give in to sleep I listen to the tone, ringing in my ears.

The ringing serves as a kind of built in white noise machine. Handy.

None of us are perfect. We aren't supposed to be.

To overcome our struggles and find a new way to live.

Opening our hearts once again to Joy and Love.

All I want is to be a beacon of Peace.

To replace war and killing with words and hugs, or at least a warm handshake or two.

War is not inevitable or necessary.

Peace can not be achieved through violent means.

The Elite have had their time to play.

They have pillaged this world of everything they could and it was still not enough.

Now, WE, the Awakened, see them in their shadows and their fortresses.

We see the corruption and greed and the suffering it causes all across the globe.

Playtime is over for them. They must move forward in Love.

If not, they will perish and their souls will be recycled back into All That Is.

But first, they will give another their spark.

They will pull it from their soul and hand it to another.

The recipient will hold that spark in memory of the other's conscious human experiences.

In 2002, I received the spark of another while living in Menomonee Falls.

There was zero understanding at the time. I knew only what I saw.

A seated Being - old, humped, and wizened.

From its heart a gem floated out, covered in darkness.
The Being was surrounded by many of its Brothers and Sisters.

I knew none of them.

As the gem floated across the room towards me, it started to shine and the darkness fell away.

Without thought or hesitation, I allowed it into my chest, to connect with my soul's heart.

The being raised a finger, perhaps in warning or maybe just a salute of sorts.

Then they all melted away and I was alone again wondering what had just happened.

Now, all these years later, I have a better understanding of the Big Picture.

Everything is ready. The stage is set.
The last few hold outs are being pulled from their lairs.
Nowhere to hide their darkness and corruption.
The Light shines where only dark once reigned.

It was a choice of honor. Of stubbornness. Of exhaustion.

To adapt to change or die. This Being chose to die.

I understand that now.

To have their Being reduced back into star dust.

The ultimate recycling program. New life from the old.

But Why?

Maybe they saw a strength in me that I hadn't found yet.

Perhaps there was a debt to be repaid.

Eventually, the cycle of Karma ends because we choose for it to.

Because we decide to choose Love over Fear.

Fear is a powerful tool. It is easy to enslave an ignorant population with fear.

This tactic has worked in our patriarchal societies for millennium.

But no more. We, the Awakened, reject fear and all its forms of damaging emotions.

Greed. Lust. Anger. Hatred. Bigotry. Jealousy. Fear. Fear. Fear.

False Evidence Appearing Real.

Question everything and everyone.

Do not be satisfied by hearing only one side of the story.

We expand our perspectives and our awareness when we practice empathy and compassion.

For this lifetime, we are sharing, is an especially exciting one.

The rate of change and adaptation has accelerated at an exponential rate.

We are all racing to catch up and adapt to the latest greatest electronic gadget.

What an amazing time we live in. To see the change that will occur in the next 50 years.

What will we see? What will we do? Will the human race survive and for how long?

As for me, I am working to reintegrate all the splinters of my soul.

It is a strange and arduous task.

And Karma. Dear, darling Karma. Guess what I figured out. Karma is not in control.

We are.

No longer do I create new Karma and work to resolve all other karma from my past lives.

We all live many lives here on Earth, if we so choose, and the goal is always to find Love.

To find happiness. To find Joy. To create our own Heaven here on Earth.

The experiences of wealth, poverty, royalty, servitude, murderer, victim, etc. are felt by us all.

We must acknowledge and forgive ourselves for our past life mistakes.

Regret and guilt are an absolute waste of our valuable emotional resources.

My suggestion is to replace regret with gratitude and guilt with forgiveness.

Only by giving ourselves absolution can we end the cycle of judging others.

This world needs more encourages - more hugs - more smiles.
Every smile, to every stranger, makes a positive difference.

We are all part of the change we wish to see in our New World.

To forgive and release our past sins and love ourselves in spite of the past.

This is no easy matter. No easy task.

To change our habits - our culture - our society - our world - begins with each of us.

Fear can not rule and control us if we do not allow it to do so.

We are not blind.

With the creation of the internet, ignorance became a choice.

There is not always a simple easy answer.

Most of us are not all good or all evil but a mixture of both.

Regardless of our choices, there are always two Truths that will remain:

Change and Love. For Love is the Engine of Creation, and Change is fuel that keeps Life going.
We must adapt to change or perish. We must love ourselves and others or we will perish.

The Truth of the matter is that, in the end, Love always wins.

Mother's Day

2012 to 2015 ... a lot has happened and challenges continue to be met and conquered ... sometimes.

My life as a mother is not exactly as I had imagined. My imagined life as a mother included the father of the children being around too. Although, I recall in Jr. High when arguing with boys about why girls are better, I reminded them that women didn't NEED men, all she needed was a sperm bank. From a purely biological standpoint I was spot on but I didn't want to be one of those women who made that choice.

When, after five years of trying and three 1st trimester miscarriages, I became and stayed pregnant with my Nevi, it felt like a miracle. Then I threw up everyday for two months and then ate a lot of Berry Skittles in the 5th month. Her birth was a pretty traumatic 41 hours for those of us on the outside but Nevi burned up all her patience waiting to be born. She came into the world at the same time the giant Tsunami was hitting Japan in 2004.

Twice now, I've had a dream/nightmare where I find out I did NOT graduate but have two summer classes to take - both of which have already started.  I set out to find the professors but I can't find them anywhere ... that is the dream/nightmare.  Mom says it is PTSD from finally graduating.  Maybe. I will be happy when that piece of paper arrives.  Will I be satisfied?

Looking around myself ... yes. Absolutely. 100% ... yes.

This house is home and I LOVE the feeling of home.  My daughters are amazing and funny - healthy and mostly happy - I find moments when I am what I had so long wished to be - a Mom. A really good - really loving Mom.  We are working on our communication skills this summer.  Here's to an end to yelling, whining, and generally negative tone of voice in our house. 

Lily Beth is singing - she does that a lot.  It is lovely.  Nevi is loving her little sister and they are playing fun games together.  Monkey see, monkey do.

Making up with Facebook and Graduating from College

Finally - Finally - Finally ... after 22 years of interruptions I have done it - I have earned my B.A. in Psychology from Texas Tech University.  Let it be known that my first choice of colleges was the University of Texas at Austin (Go Longhorns!) but at this point it doesn't really matter.  It is done - finished - Finally.

What does this have to do with Facebook?  Not much except that now that I am all done with college classes I have actual TIME to spend on Facebook.  Add to that a little pressure from a certain couple of very special friends and Presto Chango - I am back together with Facebook.

Actually, it was quite the social experiment.  It wasn't until I decided to get rid of all things FB that I realized the global social impact of FB.  1/7th of the population on Earth has a FB page - that is 1 BILLION people ... add to that there is nothing - and I mean NOTHING on the Internet that is not connected to FB somehow.  Every website I see has a link to FB and most have a FB fan page.

A favorite blogger of mine wrote this about Facebook: http://www.stonekettle.com/2012/05/things-that-chap-my-ass-about-facebook.html#links

Very insightful and true - it is a good read if you have a minute.

Besides all that?  I missed my friends - my REAL friends - people I actually know and care about.  Hardly anyone e-mails anymore - texting has replaced phone calls - and Facebook is the 21st century way of staying in touch.  Now if Mark Z. and his new wife Priscilla will hurry and have a baby maybe he will make some positive changes about how FB handles breastfeeding pictures.  If you didn't know, there is a giant kerfuffle about breastfeeding pictures on FB being deleted and accounts being deleted because said breastfeeding pictures supposedly break some stupid rule about obscenity and nudity.  Geez people - it is a baby eating - one of the most beautiful experiences a mother and child can share.  Why are people such prudes about something so natural? 

Now that school is done - summer has started and the MOST exciting thing in the world is happening at my house ... my kitchen is getting totally remodeled.  Who knew remodeling a kitchen could be so exciting?  I wasn't this excited about turning 21! Seriously! 

So it is summer - I completed my degree - I am getting a new kitchen - I have wonderful friends and family that I ADORE.  Life is pretty darn good - hope yours is too!

Happy 420 Everybody!

It is a world wide holiday today ... did you know that?  Started back in the 1970s with a group of kids in San Francisco who just happened to be friends with the band members of the Grateful Dead.  Still don't know what I am talking about? Google it and enjoy the enlightenment it provides.

Much much much more important than that though is ... well, two things really ... no, three ...

Number One: I have to brag about my Nevi ... since starting school back when she was 4 she has had terrible mornings.  She had a hard time waking up and then it was nothing but a monsterous struggle to get her dressed and out the door.  Over the course of the last 3 years, we learned about her SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) which was a huge contributor to the struggles.  With occupational therapy, things improved but we were still ALWAYS late.  *sigh*  Well, the first day back to school after the long Easter weekend, we were in the car, driving to school, late AGAIN and I say to Nevi, "You know who has control over getting you to school on time or not, don't you?"  She immediately argues with me about it (as is her habit learned from her father), but I insist that only SHE can get out of bed, get dressed, and out the door on time.  I assure her that I am doing my part by providing an alarm, a regular nighttime routine so she gets enough sleep, clean clothes to wear that are laid out for her daily, breakfast to eat, hair brushed, lunch made, etc.  By then we are at school and the conversation ends.  However, the very next morning Nevi was up, dressed, fed, and out the door to school ... early?!?  For the first time in the history of the history Nevi was the FIRST ONE TO CLASS.  I was SO SO SO proud of her and certainly made a big deal out of it but inside I warned myself that it was probably just a one time thing ... but, miraculously, it has continued!  She likes being first to class.  Whatever the magic was I am thankful thankful thankful and so proud of my Nevi girl!  May this be the END to our late mornings ...

Number Two:  My little Lily Beth is going to be TWO on Sunday - which is also Earth Day - TWO?!? How in the heck did that happen?!?  I know - all parents say that but still.  May I just say that I think that she is the smartest, sweetest, cutest, most impish two-year old that I know. I LOVES HER!  Will post a picture of her Butterfly cake next week.

Number Three:  The 8 page essay that was haunting my every waking hour and causing me no end of panic attacks, was finally finished and turned in.  This is a seriously huge deal because there were days when I literally could not complete more that two coherent sentences at a time.  There is a noticeable dent in my desk where I repeatedly beat my head against it - just kidding - sorta ... now there is just this "little" research paper to finish, two tests (one of which is next week), and a 12 page essay that, thankfully, doesn't have to be science based.  For the first time in 22 years I can finally say ... I am going to make it.  This degree that I have fought, cried, and shed blood for will finally be MINE! All MINE!!! Wheeeeee!!!!

This summer is going to be AWESOME ... next up ... my BFF and why she RULES!

Depression: Failure and Embarassment

There is a desperate need to have people understand what it is like to be really depressed ... somehow if I can help others understand it will put me back in charge - it will mean that I have a handle on the situation.  I reach and stretch - scream and cry - desperately trying not to sink - not to fall - not to let the darkness envelope me completely.  Depression is an illness that really is, all in your head.  The chemicals in my brain - my neurons - my very brain cells themselves, have a weakness - a serious weakness - that if not closely monitored - if not fought tooth and nail - will kill me.  When it gets really bad I start to hear third person conversations in my head.  They say, "Kate shot herself in the head."  These thoughts are completely unwelcome by me - they are a desperate message from my brain to my consciousness that we are red lining - again.  As is the pattern with my loyal trifecta, the depression grows, the anxiety increases, the pain starts screaming louder than normal.  To give up - to give in - is NOT an option ... well, it is - that is part of how I have control.  I know that I have two choices everyday - to get on with living or get on with dying.

I am at a crossroads between success and failure.  For whatever reason, writing an eight page essay for English and a research paper for Psychology has become an absolute miserable nightmare that has me verging on complete failure.  Before all the incidents of brain damage, writing came very easily to me.  Writing an eight page English essay was a lark.  Now, every sentence, every coherent thought is a struggle.  My brain becomes overwhelmed and refuses to respond.  I close my eyes - breath through the stress of the brain malfunction - hit the reset button and try again.  How many times I have performed this action during these sit down sessions to write I can not begin to count.  Sometimes I just have to walk away but I must come back ... I have no choice.  If I stop trying I fail and fail hard.  How can I face my own self in the mirror if I do not write the papers, pass these final two classes and obtain my undergraduate degree at last.

The ultimate embarrassment was having to admit this colossal brain breakdown to my two teachers.  To confess to brain failure due to depression is hard for someone who has never suffered depression to understand.  I have the backup of the paperwork from the Disabled Student's Office to "prove" my claim and yet there is a chasm that can not be crossed between my reality and their understanding of what I am going through.  It is like trying to have a conversation with someone while on opposites sides of the grand canyon - you might get bits and pieces but you won't be able to understand the whole of what the other person is trying to scream across the canyon at you.  That is what it feels like to communicate with others on a more professional level about my struggle.  I did what I didn't want to do but was forced to do because of my illness ... I sent them what I had actually written so far to show that some progress had been made but still ... to admit the failure and why ... it breaks me down just that much further.

The sands are slipping through my fingers - I am praying for a miracle as I say prayers of thanks and gratitude for the family and friends who love and support me. I look at the faces of my daughters - feel their hugs and know, there is no choice - I can not fail for if I can not face myself, how can I face them?