Lone Star Stamps

Today was the final straw - FB is officially deactivated.  Someone I thought differently of before, posted a semi-complaint about food stamp recipients being allowed to use their food money at Papa Murphy's, a pizza chain that does everything but cook it for you.  Because it is not "cooked" food, it qualifies for a purchase on the Lone Star Food Card which, in case you didn't know, is the modern version of food stamps in the state of Texas.  Funny thing is ... I am on food stamps.  I have a Lone Star food card that helps me feed myself and my family.  Like MOST people receiving these benefits, it is not something I am "Proud" of ... it is a necessity ... much like eating itself is a necessity.  So what is the big deal?  What is the difference between buying all the ingredients to make a pizza at home and cook it versus buying it all ready to go, you just have to cook it yourself?  Considering a Papa Murphy's pizza can last us for three meals, I consider it a bargain on many levels, not the least of which it is a time and energy saving option for an exhausted single Mom such as myself.

Geez, where do people get off anyway?  I thought this person was loving and open minded and yet, here she is surprising the heck out of me with her lack of compassion.

Life moves on and we all deal with our own demons ... she is a single woman who has dogs, not kids - and I am sure she has never been reduced to having to apply for food stamps in order to feed herself.  Just a note - you can't buy pet food with food stamps - or alcohol, or cigarettes, or anything that is precooked, although you can use it for cakes from the bakery which definitely makes for a happy birthday for some kid who might not get a cake otherwise.  Is it such a big deal?  Are people who ask for help morally "bad" people?  I have had a job and paid taxes since I was 12 years old.  I have worked full time, with often a part time job, for most of the last 25 years.  Isn't paying into a system for 25 years enough to qualify for help when you really need it?  I know there are people out there who abuse the system ... but they are the vast minority ... more newsworthy but still a minority.

Two papers to finish writing and only this depression and writers block stand in my way ... there is no magic bullet ... like a cold, it takes time to swing back up into a productive zone of operation.  Depression is like diabetes in a way - it is a daily maintenance thing without the pain of a needle prick.

FB and I are breaking up for good *gasp!*

Go ahead, go ahead, say it ... how could I? Not only am I leaving but I am dismantling the whole thing - my whole page - friends, pictures, notes ... If there any good ones, I'll repost them here perhaps ...

I started my Facebook love affair February 20, 2008 (tells me so, right there in my timeline) - so a four year relationship is nothing to sneeze at.  I've found people, blocked people, and reconnected with old friends and then unconnected with them ... not many but there HAS been FB Drama seen on my page from time to time ... *sigh* The family rule of "always tell the truth," does apply to this blog so my only filter for TMI is simply not speaking about anything I can't share the truth about ... try it sometime ... it is harder than it looks.  So is this ...

Moving on ...

Finishing two classes at university this semester and that.is.IT! I graduate and get this cool piece of paper that says so - it will be mounted, proudly on my wall, for all to see, as soon as I pay that last bit of tuition and they release my diploma and records to me so I can PROVE that I actually did graduate and paid them for my education. Now, to pay the school loan collectors ... that is a blog for another time ...

So more blogging here - no more time on FB - no more farms or cute pictures of my kids who are NOT always that cute.  No more data mining and tracking on my life - at least not on FB ... more time writing and less time cruising FB and being a voyeur in other people's lives. I actually like the idea of the time-line format but I feel too locked in and want out - what happened to using e-mail and phone calls? Even texting is better than FB when it comes connecting with those you care about.  After making this decision I had this very strange dream.  Keep in mind, I was taking some weird new meds, that I am no longer taking btw, when I had this weird dream.  In the dream I was telling people I was committing "FB suicide" by deleting everything ... so I was symbolically killing myself by deleting my FB account. Weird. I don't know, it was a strange dream to go along with all this strange weather we've been having.  But there is always a side to seriousness when things like this come up.  I mean the two top reasons a chronic depressive dies is due to pharmaceutical medication death or straight up suicide. I want to do neither but it hovers there, always ready to pounce should a weakness in my long built armor be found.  Stress is my number one enemy - good or bad - our life has to be regulated and boring to be healthy.  My high school dance teacher is a living and breathing example that being a life long health nut pays off!  Add chronic illness to the mix and that becomes even MORE important. Boring but happy - not a bad trade off really.  I had my time at the parties and the dance bars. Now it is planning weekly menus, having alarms for getting up, taking medicine, and going to bed at the same EVERYDAY - the only difference a weekend makes is that we get to stay in our jammies for longer - that rules my world.

This time change has NOT been easy for us - glad we have all of spring break to retrain and prepare for next week and going back to school. Papers and tests loom ... hope to have a couple finished before the break is out. If I can blog, I can write my research papers and study for my tests! Right? Right! Yes I can! Pray for me? <3 One Love <3

My Personal Trifecta of Challenges

The stress has been building for a while. Helping to take care of an addict who is struggling with his sobriety and his new medical diagnosis isn't easy. Certainly turned out a LOT harder than I originally thought it would be. Having two kids as a single Mom? Oh, I knew it would be hard, but I never imagined it would be THIS hard. I never thought being a single Mom was a good idea. Now I KNOW it is not a good idea. There is a REASON that the equation for a family involves two adults - kids need two parents and the parents need each other. Recovering from my marriage that ended when he raped me at knife point? Um, yeah ... haven't really gotten to dealing with that one yet. What can I say, a few other things have been on my list of things to do.

What does that have to do with horse racing, you ask? Well, not much but I like the word "trifecta" so I use it when I talk about my three chronic ailments - depression, anxiety, and pain. They are all interconnected so when one flairs up so do the others - thus, my Personal Trifecta. :) Stress is trigger for all three. Somehow this big blow up with my older sister is bringing the pain of the reality of this last night with my ex-husband to the forefront of my mind.

Really, I have done quite a remarkable job of putting it out of my mind completely for almost three years now. But then I have this big fight with my older sister (same old issues - just some new players replacing old ones) and, suddenly, that night - that very long and dark night - seems like it happened yesterday. I remember every detail - begging him with tears in my eyes not to do this ... he said if I didn't give him what was his "proper due" as my husband, he would take our daughter away from me and I would never see her again. It is embarrassing to remember that night. To realize what was once such a sacred union had dissolved into rape was more than my mind could cope with - so it got put away - far far away.

Did I HAVE to have this fight with my sister in order for this memory to come out and haunt me again? No, but one pain - the loss of trust - struck the same exact cord in both situations. Being second best - playing second fiddle - has never been my style and yet I tend to stay in relationships that hold that imbalance at their core. Huh ...

Bottom line, trust is everything to me and when that is broken, it shakes me to my very core. Believe me, when you are laying on your back (or side - or other side - or however it DOESN'T hurt for a few minutes at least) waiting for the pain pills to kick in, you find yourself able to think about things that you've managed to avoid with exhaustion from giving your all, ALL day long.

That is part of how I ignored that memory too - concentrating on the idea of overcoming all in order to co-parent effectively - I gave him a lot more credit than he deserved. I know he is very damaged and broken - it is not an excuse but an explanation. The happy end of the story is that my daughter and I DID get out of there - safely - and have had fantastic support from our family and friends in rebuilding our lives here in Texas. The rebuilding isn't finished ... it continues and I am struggling today ... today the pain and depression are the two I am fighting the most ... that and a ghost I did my best to forget.

Time Warp

Almost four months since I last updated my blog ... so much has happened ... I have so much I want to blog about ... where to begin?

First an update on school. I took three classes last semester and had one "incomplete" to finish in order to graduate. I really thought I was going to fail my Cognition class but I worked REALLY hard and passed (yea!) - but all that hard work on one class took away time from the others so by the end I passed two classes, failed one, and still have not completed my incomplete. *sigh* So I have one more semester and two classes to finish. I really wish I could have found some super powers and busted out all four of those classes and just be done with it all, but, the reality is, as a single mom with two, no make that three, kids, finishing four classes in one semester was really and truly almost an impossible task. I have done that often in my life - bitten off more than I can chew. A few times I did accomplish the task I set before myself but not this time. One. More. Semester. At least the end is really and truly in sight this time!

Moving on to what is going on NOW ...

Shall I talk about my:
1) Third child
2) Nevi's Sensory Integration Disorder and Therapy
or
3) Trusting and getting thrown under the bus, again ...

Let's just start with number one: My Third Child. No, no, I am not pregnant again (I hear that immaculate conception is rare enough not to worry about). No, my third child is my 32 year old brother, Jon. This isn't really a "good" thing. I mean, he is a grown man with a child of his own, the last thing either of us wants is to be in a parent/child like relationship. I mean, I already am a single Mom to two kids, how am I supposed to handle a third? When the family made plans for my brother after his horrible meltdown in April 2009, we planned based on Jon's being able to take care of himself with the support of the family. However, mental illness is unpredictable at best ... the trauma of the breakdown took Jon into a full paranoid schizophrenic episode. The good news was the episode happened in a controlled environment under the supervision of two doctors who were able to diagnose and treat the horrible imbalance my brother was suffering from. Once away from all recreational drugs, ESPECIALLY ALCOHOL, they were able to help stabilize him and bring him back to reality. What we all underestimated, including Brother himself, was the DAMAGE that had been done to his brain from the trauma of the breakdown and subsequent traumatic paranoid schizophrenic episode. Add to that the side effects of the powerful prescription medicine he is on now, and he is a whole different person than he was before. To make matters even more challenging, one of the most extreme areas of damage is his inability to be self aware. For example, for a short time Jon was taking too much of one medication and as a result was m o v i n g v e r y s l o o o w l y. I asked him if he realized how his motions were slow as molasses but he didn't. He had no clue that his movements were any different than normal.

Being a psychology major, I have studied about every single mental illness that is listed in the DSM and a lot that aren't even in that book yet (SID for instance - but more about that in a later blog). But just like pregnancy and delivery, reading about something is a whole different ball game than actually experiencing it.

Once upon a time, my Brother liked to cook - now I do all the cooking (which will be the subject of another future blog post) and despite a chore chart, I still manage 98% of all household duties.

Ok - so yeah, it is hard work having two small children and being the live in caretaker for my Brother. I pray for the day that he can be well but the reality is he may never be well again. So we all, including my Brother, have to get to know this new guy ... the new Brother who looks like the old brother but that is where the similarities end.

I do not share this in hopes of pity or sympathy. I share this in hopes of shedding light into the dark closet of mental illness. My Brother is still a loving and sweet person - THAT hasn't changed, thank goodness, and we are all doing our best to reveal the new Brother under the old exterior. He may not be his old self and perhaps that is not such a bad thing - after all, the old Brother would NEVER have attended AA meetings seven days a week - sometimes twice a day. I may have to feed him and remind him to shower but he is achieving his sobriety on his own terms and for that I could not be prouder. If I would say anything to people about learning to be more compassionate towards people afflicted with mental illness I would remind everyone that even a dirty, ratty book cover can contain pages that have an extraordinary story to tell if you can get past the outside and concentrate on the inside.

I love you Brother - no matter how hard you make it! ;-)

The Clock is Ticking

It is after midnight and I am about to hit the hay. Only five short weeks left until the end of my undergraduate college career - I HOPE!!! So far, I am keeping my head above water but I fear that any little thing might throw everything off course and I will be a FAILURE!!!

Really, failure is not an option. I want to be done - finished - so I can move on to the next phase of my life. This new phase will be punctuated by lots of smiles, good health, and very little drama and trauma - at least until the girls hit the teen years.

I have disabled my Facebook account and find that I miss my FB cyberhood friends. However, NOT looking at FB multiple times a day has absolutely helped me stay focused on my school work.

There HAS been something on my mind lately ... I realized that I have "settled" every day since December 4, 1995. For those of you who don't know why that date is significant for me, it is the date my fiancee left me, three weeks before our wedding. He left me for another woman, his mother. Before that awful day our relationship was truly magical and I really felt I had met my mate for life. We used to say to each other that if anything ever happened we would be settling if we ended up with anyone else but each other. Way to set ourselves up for disappointment which is EXACTLY what I have been doing for almost 15 years now. Well, NO LONGER!!! Joyfully I have learned that I do not need a man by my side to be happy. My happiness comes from the inside out and all a partner is going to do for me now is make my life BETTER - that is, if I ever find someone who is awesome enough to actually ADD to my life instead of take from it.

In the meantime, I have my amazing and beautiful daughters, incredible parents, an awesome sister and a BFF that is out of this world!!! Whatever MAN (and make no mistake, he will be a MAN, not a boy or a guy - a MAN) finds me and convinces me to take the plunge with him will truly be one in a billion. He will also get down on bended knee and present me with a stunning ring. Needless to say, I am NOT holding my breath. Whether God sends me a partner or not I am happy - from the inside out - and for that I am very thankful and more determined than ever to never, Never, NEVER settle for less than that BEST ever again!

Now, that I have that little thing off my chest I am off to finish this homework and get some sleep. I believe there are some little girls who would like some cuddle bunnies with their Mama.

Marriage Is Hard Ass Work - I don't recommend it.

Marriage
That is a very big word that brings to mind many images like white dresses, fantastic cakes, beautiful flowers, dancing, and in 60% of the cases in America,
D I V O R C E.

Now I happen to be one of those strange few whose parents are still married after 40 plus years. THEIR parents were married until death parted them. I had no first hand knowledge of what divorce was or what it really meant on a personal level for most my life. I do remember begging my Dad one day in a moment of pure bravery born of desperation, why why WHY didn't he divorce mother and take us away from her mood swings and emotional abuse? His answer was simple, "Because I love her and I don't want to leave her." So, to me, based on the examples in my life and the vows taken, marriage was:
a sacred bond forged by love that defied explanation.

Fast forward to 1999 and I meet Nevi's Dad. We had something of a world wind romance and ended up getting married in my parent's front parlor on Valentine's Day 2000. Very romantic. The only glitch was that it turned out that Nevi's Dad is a narcissistic borderline sociopath. Basically he is super damaged but I fully believed in all the vows we took, "in sickness and in health" being one of them and meant his mental illness was not reason enough to end our marriage. It simply meant I would have to work harder at making our family work. And boy howdy did I work hard! Like most abusive relationships, he didn't start out horrible - he started out wonderful and charming and telling me every good thing every woman wants to hear from the man who says he loves her. Turns out that scientific research shows being "in love" is just a chemical state that happens to our bodies when we first meet someone. Cool, huh? However, it doesn't last and when that glossy shiny lovey dovey stuff is gone THEN you get a real solid look at the person you have vowed to spend the rest of your life with.

Number One Lesson Learned - Marriage is not a competition. We get married so we can have a partner who stands WITH us in shouldering the enormous responsibilities adulthood brings.

By the end of our marriage - 10 years later - he was threatening me at knife-point and forcing me to do things I didn't want to do. That is what abuse can do ... it happens slowly. And it took THAT for me to finally end our marriage and divorce him. It was horrible because marriage is sacred and I knew I had not entered into it lightly. Once the vows are made we had better like the person we are bonding ourselves to because marriage is harder work than it needs to be otherwise.

So when I see in the "news" that famous people are divorcing or hear about people I know suffering divorce, it makes me sad especially if there are kids involved. It makes me sad because divorce sucks. There is nothing cool or fun about shouldering 100% of the responsibilities for three kids by myself. If he hadn't turned out to be such an abusive cheating competitive non-partner we would still be married to this day and I wouldn't be doing this by myself. I feel that most of society takes marriage for granted. "Oh, I'm not happy anymore ... I'll just get a divorce." Really? Because for anyone to think that marriage is going to suddenly make you happy 24/7 when you weren't happy before you have a giant disappointment waiting for you. My ultimate goal was to be mostly happy ~ content ~ for 23/6. Considering I suffer from serious chronic depression I think it is an optimistic but completely doable goal - with help.

What really sorta pisses me off is how easily people go from "married" to "single." Guess what, until the divorce is final, you are "married but separated." Does this temporary status give married people the right to move on to another relationship before their divorce is final? No, not really. I don't think so. Besides, divorce is second only to death of a spouse, as being the MOST stressful experience a person can have in their lifetime. We are a world suffering from emotional trauma induced by our careless ways of romanticizing marriage and then bailing when the real thing doesn't live up to our totally unrealistic expectations for "happily ever after."

If you are happily married to your best friend I cheer and salute you. Finding the RIGHT partner is certainly a battle. STAYING married once the commitment is made doesn't seem to be high on society's list anymore. All this noise about same sex marriage ruining the American Family!?! Hogwash - DIVORCE is ruining the American Family. We need to focus more on making our commitments WORK and less time chasing that "in love" feeling as the answer to our "happily ever after." Just like doing the Tango, it takes TWO to make a marriage - ANY Marriage - work. I believe in marriage with all my heart and I believe most of us do better with a solid partner at our side - but like I said, it is hard work and therefore, I don't recommend it.

Peace, Love, Passion, and my Life

L O V E ~ L I F E

P E A C E ~ P A S S I O N

From my earliest memory I remember asking myself, "Why do people do what they do? Why do they act the way that they do?" It is no wonder that my college degree is in psychology. So that definitely counts as my first passion in life.

My second passion arose from the answer I received to first question. It wasn't the answer itself but who the answer was coming from. At age three I knew who Jesus was. I knew He was the reason we celebrated Christmas and that He was a Carpenter and that He loved all the little children. I had been shooed out of the preschool classroom by my Mom who was working on a project with the other kids. There was a man there also who had a beard and a mustache which scared me and since my Mom couldn't hold me I left and went into the courtyard outside. The playground equipment was deserted and the weather was cloudy and gray. I went to see what my older sister was doing in the classroom catercorner from where my Mom was. I could see her as I looked into the window to her classroom. There she was, playing confidently and happily on the floor. I remember staring at her in hopes that she would see me and open the door to let me in but after what seemed an eternity to my little three year old mind I gave up. She didn't need our Mom to hold her all the time like I did. Why was that? At that moment, my eyes happened on one of the outside toys. It was a large wooden tool box and inside were pieces of wood. There was a hammer there too and some nails already partially nailed into a couple of pieces of wood. My thought was, if it was good enough for Jesus then it was something I needed to try. Imagine a little three year old out in the chill morning picking up a hammer in order to pound on some nails. Now, whether is was my little imagination or whether He was really there no one can know, but my memory says that He was there with me - helping me be content by myself - understanding that I was not truly alone. So then began my second passion - my relationship with God through knowing Jesus. It has not always been an easy relationship. No, coming to a true understanding about what unconditional love REALLY is ... well, it was hard to see that it wasn't always pretty and rarely like a fairy tale.

I have newer passions in my life. Those will come in later posts. If you are my friend you know that I am passionate about TRUTH and righting wrongs. Thank you again Mark, for sharing the fire - I needed some poking.