Almost four months since I last updated my blog ... so much has happened ... I have so much I want to blog about ... where to begin?
First an update on school. I took three classes last semester and had one "incomplete" to finish in order to graduate. I really thought I was going to fail my Cognition class but I worked REALLY hard and passed (yea!) - but all that hard work on one class took away time from the others so by the end I passed two classes, failed one, and still have not completed my incomplete. *sigh* So I have one more semester and two classes to finish. I really wish I could have found some super powers and busted out all four of those classes and just be done with it all, but, the reality is, as a single mom with two, no make that three, kids, finishing four classes in one semester was really and truly almost an impossible task. I have done that often in my life - bitten off more than I can chew. A few times I did accomplish the task I set before myself but not this time. One. More. Semester. At least the end is really and truly in sight this time!
Moving on to what is going on NOW ...
Shall I talk about my:
1) Third child
2) Nevi's Sensory Integration Disorder and Therapy
or
3) Trusting and getting thrown under the bus, again ...
Let's just start with number one: My Third Child. No, no, I am not pregnant again (I hear that immaculate conception is rare enough not to worry about). No, my third child is my 32 year old brother, Jon. This isn't really a "good" thing. I mean, he is a grown man with a child of his own, the last thing either of us wants is to be in a parent/child like relationship. I mean, I already am a single Mom to two kids, how am I supposed to handle a third? When the family made plans for my brother after his horrible meltdown in April 2009, we planned based on Jon's being able to take care of himself with the support of the family. However, mental illness is unpredictable at best ... the trauma of the breakdown took Jon into a full paranoid schizophrenic episode. The good news was the episode happened in a controlled environment under the supervision of two doctors who were able to diagnose and treat the horrible imbalance my brother was suffering from. Once away from all recreational drugs, ESPECIALLY ALCOHOL, they were able to help stabilize him and bring him back to reality. What we all underestimated, including Brother himself, was the DAMAGE that had been done to his brain from the trauma of the breakdown and subsequent traumatic paranoid schizophrenic episode. Add to that the side effects of the powerful prescription medicine he is on now, and he is a whole different person than he was before. To make matters even more challenging, one of the most extreme areas of damage is his inability to be self aware. For example, for a short time Jon was taking too much of one medication and as a result was m o v i n g v e r y s l o o o w l y. I asked him if he realized how his motions were slow as molasses but he didn't. He had no clue that his movements were any different than normal.
Being a psychology major, I have studied about every single mental illness that is listed in the DSM and a lot that aren't even in that book yet (SID for instance - but more about that in a later blog). But just like pregnancy and delivery, reading about something is a whole different ball game than actually experiencing it.
Once upon a time, my Brother liked to cook - now I do all the cooking (which will be the subject of another future blog post) and despite a chore chart, I still manage 98% of all household duties.
Ok - so yeah, it is hard work having two small children and being the live in caretaker for my Brother. I pray for the day that he can be well but the reality is he may never be well again. So we all, including my Brother, have to get to know this new guy ... the new Brother who looks like the old brother but that is where the similarities end.
I do not share this in hopes of pity or sympathy. I share this in hopes of shedding light into the dark closet of mental illness. My Brother is still a loving and sweet person - THAT hasn't changed, thank goodness, and we are all doing our best to reveal the new Brother under the old exterior. He may not be his old self and perhaps that is not such a bad thing - after all, the old Brother would NEVER have attended AA meetings seven days a week - sometimes twice a day. I may have to feed him and remind him to shower but he is achieving his sobriety on his own terms and for that I could not be prouder. If I would say anything to people about learning to be more compassionate towards people afflicted with mental illness I would remind everyone that even a dirty, ratty book cover can contain pages that have an extraordinary story to tell if you can get past the outside and concentrate on the inside.
I love you Brother - no matter how hard you make it! ;-)
