What does that have to do with horse racing, you ask? Well, not much but I like the word "trifecta" so I use it when I talk about my three chronic ailments - depression, anxiety, and pain. They are all interconnected so when one flairs up so do the others - thus, my Personal Trifecta. :) Stress is trigger for all three. Somehow this big blow up with my older sister is bringing the pain of the reality of this last night with my ex-husband to the forefront of my mind.
Really, I have done quite a remarkable job of putting it out of my mind completely for almost three years now. But then I have this big fight with my older sister (same old issues - just some new players replacing old ones) and, suddenly, that night - that very long and dark night - seems like it happened yesterday. I remember every detail - begging him with tears in my eyes not to do this ... he said if I didn't give him what was his "proper due" as my husband, he would take our daughter away from me and I would never see her again. It is embarrassing to remember that night. To realize what was once such a sacred union had dissolved into rape was more than my mind could cope with - so it got put away - far far away.
Did I HAVE to have this fight with my sister in order for this memory to come out and haunt me again? No, but one pain - the loss of trust - struck the same exact cord in both situations. Being second best - playing second fiddle - has never been my style and yet I tend to stay in relationships that hold that imbalance at their core. Huh ...
Bottom line, trust is everything to me and when that is broken, it shakes me to my very core. Believe me, when you are laying on your back (or side - or other side - or however it DOESN'T hurt for a few minutes at least) waiting for the pain pills to kick in, you find yourself able to think about things that you've managed to avoid with exhaustion from giving your all, ALL day long.
That is part of how I ignored that memory too - concentrating on the idea of overcoming all in order to co-parent effectively - I gave him a lot more credit than he deserved. I know he is very damaged and broken - it is not an excuse but an explanation. The happy end of the story is that my daughter and I DID get out of there - safely - and have had fantastic support from our family and friends in rebuilding our lives here in Texas. The rebuilding isn't finished ... it continues and I am struggling today ... today the pain and depression are the two I am fighting the most ... that and a ghost I did my best to forget.
