Twice now, I've had a dream/nightmare where I find out I did NOT graduate but have two summer classes to take - both of which have already started.  I set out to find the professors but I can't find them anywhere ... that is the dream/nightmare.  Mom says it is PTSD from finally graduating.  Maybe. I will be happy when that piece of paper arrives.  Will I be satisfied?

Looking around myself ... yes. Absolutely. 100% ... yes.

This house is home and I LOVE the feeling of home.  My daughters are amazing and funny - healthy and mostly happy - I find moments when I am what I had so long wished to be - a Mom. A really good - really loving Mom.  We are working on our communication skills this summer.  Here's to an end to yelling, whining, and generally negative tone of voice in our house. 

Lily Beth is singing - she does that a lot.  It is lovely.  Nevi is loving her little sister and they are playing fun games together.  Monkey see, monkey do.

Making up with Facebook and Graduating from College

Finally - Finally - Finally ... after 22 years of interruptions I have done it - I have earned my B.A. in Psychology from Texas Tech University.  Let it be known that my first choice of colleges was the University of Texas at Austin (Go Longhorns!) but at this point it doesn't really matter.  It is done - finished - Finally.

What does this have to do with Facebook?  Not much except that now that I am all done with college classes I have actual TIME to spend on Facebook.  Add to that a little pressure from a certain couple of very special friends and Presto Chango - I am back together with Facebook.

Actually, it was quite the social experiment.  It wasn't until I decided to get rid of all things FB that I realized the global social impact of FB.  1/7th of the population on Earth has a FB page - that is 1 BILLION people ... add to that there is nothing - and I mean NOTHING on the Internet that is not connected to FB somehow.  Every website I see has a link to FB and most have a FB fan page.

A favorite blogger of mine wrote this about Facebook: http://www.stonekettle.com/2012/05/things-that-chap-my-ass-about-facebook.html#links

Very insightful and true - it is a good read if you have a minute.

Besides all that?  I missed my friends - my REAL friends - people I actually know and care about.  Hardly anyone e-mails anymore - texting has replaced phone calls - and Facebook is the 21st century way of staying in touch.  Now if Mark Z. and his new wife Priscilla will hurry and have a baby maybe he will make some positive changes about how FB handles breastfeeding pictures.  If you didn't know, there is a giant kerfuffle about breastfeeding pictures on FB being deleted and accounts being deleted because said breastfeeding pictures supposedly break some stupid rule about obscenity and nudity.  Geez people - it is a baby eating - one of the most beautiful experiences a mother and child can share.  Why are people such prudes about something so natural? 

Now that school is done - summer has started and the MOST exciting thing in the world is happening at my house ... my kitchen is getting totally remodeled.  Who knew remodeling a kitchen could be so exciting?  I wasn't this excited about turning 21! Seriously! 

So it is summer - I completed my degree - I am getting a new kitchen - I have wonderful friends and family that I ADORE.  Life is pretty darn good - hope yours is too!

Happy 420 Everybody!

It is a world wide holiday today ... did you know that?  Started back in the 1970s with a group of kids in San Francisco who just happened to be friends with the band members of the Grateful Dead.  Still don't know what I am talking about? Google it and enjoy the enlightenment it provides.

Much much much more important than that though is ... well, two things really ... no, three ...

Number One: I have to brag about my Nevi ... since starting school back when she was 4 she has had terrible mornings.  She had a hard time waking up and then it was nothing but a monsterous struggle to get her dressed and out the door.  Over the course of the last 3 years, we learned about her SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) which was a huge contributor to the struggles.  With occupational therapy, things improved but we were still ALWAYS late.  *sigh*  Well, the first day back to school after the long Easter weekend, we were in the car, driving to school, late AGAIN and I say to Nevi, "You know who has control over getting you to school on time or not, don't you?"  She immediately argues with me about it (as is her habit learned from her father), but I insist that only SHE can get out of bed, get dressed, and out the door on time.  I assure her that I am doing my part by providing an alarm, a regular nighttime routine so she gets enough sleep, clean clothes to wear that are laid out for her daily, breakfast to eat, hair brushed, lunch made, etc.  By then we are at school and the conversation ends.  However, the very next morning Nevi was up, dressed, fed, and out the door to school ... early?!?  For the first time in the history of the history Nevi was the FIRST ONE TO CLASS.  I was SO SO SO proud of her and certainly made a big deal out of it but inside I warned myself that it was probably just a one time thing ... but, miraculously, it has continued!  She likes being first to class.  Whatever the magic was I am thankful thankful thankful and so proud of my Nevi girl!  May this be the END to our late mornings ...

Number Two:  My little Lily Beth is going to be TWO on Sunday - which is also Earth Day - TWO?!? How in the heck did that happen?!?  I know - all parents say that but still.  May I just say that I think that she is the smartest, sweetest, cutest, most impish two-year old that I know. I LOVES HER!  Will post a picture of her Butterfly cake next week.

Number Three:  The 8 page essay that was haunting my every waking hour and causing me no end of panic attacks, was finally finished and turned in.  This is a seriously huge deal because there were days when I literally could not complete more that two coherent sentences at a time.  There is a noticeable dent in my desk where I repeatedly beat my head against it - just kidding - sorta ... now there is just this "little" research paper to finish, two tests (one of which is next week), and a 12 page essay that, thankfully, doesn't have to be science based.  For the first time in 22 years I can finally say ... I am going to make it.  This degree that I have fought, cried, and shed blood for will finally be MINE! All MINE!!! Wheeeeee!!!!

This summer is going to be AWESOME ... next up ... my BFF and why she RULES!

Depression: Failure and Embarassment

There is a desperate need to have people understand what it is like to be really depressed ... somehow if I can help others understand it will put me back in charge - it will mean that I have a handle on the situation.  I reach and stretch - scream and cry - desperately trying not to sink - not to fall - not to let the darkness envelope me completely.  Depression is an illness that really is, all in your head.  The chemicals in my brain - my neurons - my very brain cells themselves, have a weakness - a serious weakness - that if not closely monitored - if not fought tooth and nail - will kill me.  When it gets really bad I start to hear third person conversations in my head.  They say, "Kate shot herself in the head."  These thoughts are completely unwelcome by me - they are a desperate message from my brain to my consciousness that we are red lining - again.  As is the pattern with my loyal trifecta, the depression grows, the anxiety increases, the pain starts screaming louder than normal.  To give up - to give in - is NOT an option ... well, it is - that is part of how I have control.  I know that I have two choices everyday - to get on with living or get on with dying.

I am at a crossroads between success and failure.  For whatever reason, writing an eight page essay for English and a research paper for Psychology has become an absolute miserable nightmare that has me verging on complete failure.  Before all the incidents of brain damage, writing came very easily to me.  Writing an eight page English essay was a lark.  Now, every sentence, every coherent thought is a struggle.  My brain becomes overwhelmed and refuses to respond.  I close my eyes - breath through the stress of the brain malfunction - hit the reset button and try again.  How many times I have performed this action during these sit down sessions to write I can not begin to count.  Sometimes I just have to walk away but I must come back ... I have no choice.  If I stop trying I fail and fail hard.  How can I face my own self in the mirror if I do not write the papers, pass these final two classes and obtain my undergraduate degree at last.

The ultimate embarrassment was having to admit this colossal brain breakdown to my two teachers.  To confess to brain failure due to depression is hard for someone who has never suffered depression to understand.  I have the backup of the paperwork from the Disabled Student's Office to "prove" my claim and yet there is a chasm that can not be crossed between my reality and their understanding of what I am going through.  It is like trying to have a conversation with someone while on opposites sides of the grand canyon - you might get bits and pieces but you won't be able to understand the whole of what the other person is trying to scream across the canyon at you.  That is what it feels like to communicate with others on a more professional level about my struggle.  I did what I didn't want to do but was forced to do because of my illness ... I sent them what I had actually written so far to show that some progress had been made but still ... to admit the failure and why ... it breaks me down just that much further.

The sands are slipping through my fingers - I am praying for a miracle as I say prayers of thanks and gratitude for the family and friends who love and support me. I look at the faces of my daughters - feel their hugs and know, there is no choice - I can not fail for if I can not face myself, how can I face them?

Lone Star Stamps

Today was the final straw - FB is officially deactivated.  Someone I thought differently of before, posted a semi-complaint about food stamp recipients being allowed to use their food money at Papa Murphy's, a pizza chain that does everything but cook it for you.  Because it is not "cooked" food, it qualifies for a purchase on the Lone Star Food Card which, in case you didn't know, is the modern version of food stamps in the state of Texas.  Funny thing is ... I am on food stamps.  I have a Lone Star food card that helps me feed myself and my family.  Like MOST people receiving these benefits, it is not something I am "Proud" of ... it is a necessity ... much like eating itself is a necessity.  So what is the big deal?  What is the difference between buying all the ingredients to make a pizza at home and cook it versus buying it all ready to go, you just have to cook it yourself?  Considering a Papa Murphy's pizza can last us for three meals, I consider it a bargain on many levels, not the least of which it is a time and energy saving option for an exhausted single Mom such as myself.

Geez, where do people get off anyway?  I thought this person was loving and open minded and yet, here she is surprising the heck out of me with her lack of compassion.

Life moves on and we all deal with our own demons ... she is a single woman who has dogs, not kids - and I am sure she has never been reduced to having to apply for food stamps in order to feed herself.  Just a note - you can't buy pet food with food stamps - or alcohol, or cigarettes, or anything that is precooked, although you can use it for cakes from the bakery which definitely makes for a happy birthday for some kid who might not get a cake otherwise.  Is it such a big deal?  Are people who ask for help morally "bad" people?  I have had a job and paid taxes since I was 12 years old.  I have worked full time, with often a part time job, for most of the last 25 years.  Isn't paying into a system for 25 years enough to qualify for help when you really need it?  I know there are people out there who abuse the system ... but they are the vast minority ... more newsworthy but still a minority.

Two papers to finish writing and only this depression and writers block stand in my way ... there is no magic bullet ... like a cold, it takes time to swing back up into a productive zone of operation.  Depression is like diabetes in a way - it is a daily maintenance thing without the pain of a needle prick.

FB and I are breaking up for good *gasp!*

Go ahead, go ahead, say it ... how could I? Not only am I leaving but I am dismantling the whole thing - my whole page - friends, pictures, notes ... If there any good ones, I'll repost them here perhaps ...

I started my Facebook love affair February 20, 2008 (tells me so, right there in my timeline) - so a four year relationship is nothing to sneeze at.  I've found people, blocked people, and reconnected with old friends and then unconnected with them ... not many but there HAS been FB Drama seen on my page from time to time ... *sigh* The family rule of "always tell the truth," does apply to this blog so my only filter for TMI is simply not speaking about anything I can't share the truth about ... try it sometime ... it is harder than it looks.  So is this ...

Moving on ...

Finishing two classes at university this semester and that.is.IT! I graduate and get this cool piece of paper that says so - it will be mounted, proudly on my wall, for all to see, as soon as I pay that last bit of tuition and they release my diploma and records to me so I can PROVE that I actually did graduate and paid them for my education. Now, to pay the school loan collectors ... that is a blog for another time ...

So more blogging here - no more time on FB - no more farms or cute pictures of my kids who are NOT always that cute.  No more data mining and tracking on my life - at least not on FB ... more time writing and less time cruising FB and being a voyeur in other people's lives. I actually like the idea of the time-line format but I feel too locked in and want out - what happened to using e-mail and phone calls? Even texting is better than FB when it comes connecting with those you care about.  After making this decision I had this very strange dream.  Keep in mind, I was taking some weird new meds, that I am no longer taking btw, when I had this weird dream.  In the dream I was telling people I was committing "FB suicide" by deleting everything ... so I was symbolically killing myself by deleting my FB account. Weird. I don't know, it was a strange dream to go along with all this strange weather we've been having.  But there is always a side to seriousness when things like this come up.  I mean the two top reasons a chronic depressive dies is due to pharmaceutical medication death or straight up suicide. I want to do neither but it hovers there, always ready to pounce should a weakness in my long built armor be found.  Stress is my number one enemy - good or bad - our life has to be regulated and boring to be healthy.  My high school dance teacher is a living and breathing example that being a life long health nut pays off!  Add chronic illness to the mix and that becomes even MORE important. Boring but happy - not a bad trade off really.  I had my time at the parties and the dance bars. Now it is planning weekly menus, having alarms for getting up, taking medicine, and going to bed at the same EVERYDAY - the only difference a weekend makes is that we get to stay in our jammies for longer - that rules my world.

This time change has NOT been easy for us - glad we have all of spring break to retrain and prepare for next week and going back to school. Papers and tests loom ... hope to have a couple finished before the break is out. If I can blog, I can write my research papers and study for my tests! Right? Right! Yes I can! Pray for me? <3 One Love <3